Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Decider's Lowest Presidential Points

Thankfully-ex President George W. Bush has now proudly carried on a presidential tradition started by his father: he's taking on the rappers. If you haven't heard by now, "The Decider" has written a memoir, where he says that, when Kanye West told the nation that W. doesn't care about black people, he was "disgusted" and "deeply insulted" and it was the lowest point of his presidency.

Personally, I don't get it. I could understand if that telethon was the lowest point in Mike Meyer's professional career. I mean, the brother hung him out to dry. You can just tell he was thinking, "Will you please shut the fuck up. I'm Canadian, yo. They can take away my green card. They're gonna 'extraordinary rendition' my ass to Syria."

I could even understand if Kanye had actually been Laura Bush telling the nation, in that cute Xanax-y drawl of hers, "My husband doesn't care about nigras." That would've really sucked. But Kanye?! Come on now. How the hell does he even appear on your radar. I have Kanye's first two albums, and even I don't care what the hell Kanye says.

Look, if the mucho macho Connecticut Ranger wanted to go all weepy Taylor Swift just to sell books, that's fine. He could've casually mentioned that Kanye's a punk-ass bitch and he gonna smoke dat fool. But saying that that was the lowest point in his quite historic Presidency ... that's going a bit far, W. Just off the top of my head (and I'm in a rush to get to work here), I can come up with at least a few moments during your White House tenure that are most definitely, in retrospect, much worse than when Kanye called you out and smacked the eyes out your momma's head (oh wait, too late):

1) September 11th ... OK, unlike Michael Moore and a lot of liberals, I won't make fun of that 11-minute pause you took to react to the news of the World Trade Center. It was the worst attack we Americans had ever suffered (after all, Pearl Harbor was against a military target). And you had to process it in front of a bunch of little children and not scared the shit out of them.  How bad would it have looked if, after Ari Fleischer whispered the news in your ear, you would've jumped up, screamed, "Oh, fuck!!!" and dashed out the room? And yet people dog you. I actually feel sympathy. But I'm thinking, on a very human level, that would've had to have been the worst moment for any president.

2) Hurricane Katrina ... Yeah, you talk about that shot of you in the helicopter looking all callous, and shit. But I'm thinking of all those TV images of you playing air guitar on stage in San Diego, yucking it up, while there were dead bodies floating in the water.

3) WMD?! What WMD? ... After you spent a year selling us on Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction, knowing full well that it was, at best, just a guess and, most likely, a lie, your very own military had to throw up their hands and say, "Yeah. There ain't no WMD 'round here."

4) Mission Accomplished ... Has there ever been a bigger, more premature ejaculation smeared across the belly of the American political landscape? Well, at least you thought you looked like Tom Cruise in that flight suit.

5) Bring It ... Yeah, remember how you told the Iraqi insurgents to "Bring it," and then they actually brought it. I'm sure there are still hundreds of disabled veterans chilling in Walter Reed thanking you for that little bit of bravado.

6) Gettin' Gyllenhalled ... That cold, lonely January night in 2006 when Dick Cheney appeared at your bedroom door in nothing but chaps and swastikas, and purred, "Let's play a li'l Brokeback." OK, that probably didn't happen ... Or did it?

7) The Banking Collapse ... Yeah. I'm assuming that was a bad day. But then again, a lot of your boys got paid on the rest of our dime. I guess it was really just business as usual.

8) GOP Convention 2008 ... After watching your own party run against you for two years, not even being allowed to your own party's party must've really hurt. I bet you cried for three days straight with only shots of Patsy Cline to ease the pain.

9) Your Impeachment ... Hey, if Fox News, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh get to rewrite history every single night, why can't I? In Bill Campbell's world, you, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney were impeached and convicted for war crimes and are now playing Abu Ghraib in the Hague.

10) Inauguration Day 2009 ... That had to suck. I mean, you were such a shitty president, leaving the nation in such dire straits, that the American people were desperate enough to elect a mixed-race, Muslim, Socialist, Fascist, Nazi terrorist to be President of the United States. None of us ever thought it could ever get that bad. But somehow, W., you managed it. And then, you had to sit there in the cold, January sun listening to The Big Brutha diss you to your face in front of the entire world.

But noooooooo ... Kanye's talking out the side of his neck was the worst moment of your Presidency?! What? Are you drunk?!!!


  1. Come on Bill, give the man a break. He's got to express a large dose of "but really, I do care so much about ALL you poor negros." It relieves him of all his white guilt, makes him feel like a regular guy. After all, once, back when he was in the Texass National Guard he knew a black person that wasn't Colin Powell or Condolesa Rice. . . and he was nice to him.

  2. Kanye West is an ignorant unstable asshole.He is a douche bag and no matter what Bush does or doesnb't do nothings gonna change that.Get that?