Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Lazy Man's Movie Review: Blood: The Last Vampire

A 1970 American airbase in Japan is being terrorized by demons. And only a katana-wielding, Satan spawn-slaying, racially confused Japanese demon hunter (Gianna Jun) can save them honkeys' asses so they can keep bombing the shit out of her Asian brothers and sisters in Vietnam.

OK, that ain't exactly how it's portrayed. I just wanted to use the word "honkey" in a sentence. You know, express my inner Sherman Helmsley.

Blood is really and truly horribly acted. I swear half of the "Americans" in this film have Australian accents, and Gianna Jun's English is awkward, at best. Like 90 percent of its Hollywood horror counterparts, this Sino-Hong Kong-French production set in Japan starring a South Korean actress degenerates into a "Save the White Chick" movie. Seriously, I asked my brutha, Yaphet Koto, this back in '79 with Alien: If all they're gonna do is scream and cry and eventually get your ass killed, can't you just pull your Social Darwinism card, say, "See ya!" and let the big bad monster eat they asses?

I'm just sayin'.

But I'm guessing most people wouldn't be watching a movie like Blood: The Last Vampire for its plot or acting. They'd be watching it for the blood. And there's a shitload of it. Highly stylized plot that sprays incessantly on the screen. Tons of CGI, slow-motion sword fights. This movie can bring out the 12-year-old boy, addicted to Saturday afternoon kung fu flicks on Channel 60-Whatever in anyone. For those of you with an Asian woman fetish, you'll love the little sailor girl outfit Gianna wears throughout. Personally, I don't suffer that ... peculiarity, but I do have a thing for gun-fighting/sword-slashing females. So Gianna had me at her first beheading.

This isn't a movie I'd put on the queue nor Instant Watch. But, if you're up late at night with insomnia, wondering whether to call those party lines they always used to advertise on late-night TV or watch Blood, I'd definitely give it a go.


  1. I never understood why Yaphet didn't just incinerate both the chick and the alien in the scene in which he died. After all, he would then have gotten to spend months/years alone in a giant spacecraft with the (then) somewhat attractive Sigourney Weaver. Instead he got torn apart for a hysterical girl who wasn't worth saving anyway. And he probably would have gotten that coveted full share out of the deal, too.

  2. You know, MJD, I've often joked that the most terrifying scene in Alien was seeing Sigourney Weaver in her underwear. I mean, the woman had plumber's crack!!!